Many times I have said to myself, someday I’m going to be happy. As soon as I get that power job, have so much money in the bank, buy that new house, move to another city, quit working, after my husband retires, after I win the lottery …….. a lot of my happy was caught up in money dreams.
Funny how I noticed as all of those things happened (except the lottery wins were small ones) I wasn’t happy. I was looking for the “next” thing, the next thing that would make me truly happy.
We moved out of the country in 2000 and I thought “when I get there, I’ll be happy.” I hated it. Every blinking moment of it. The people were rude, there were fishermen who came and fished off the road on our dam and they littered. They also cussed us out, threatened to hit my husband and were generally assholes. I dreaded April 15 to September 15 when trout season was upon us.
I wasn’t happy. Not once in the 8 years we lived there, was I happy. Teenagers harassed us, ripping down signs, riding their ATV’s all over the place, one group of young children, a month after we got there, decided to set fire to our dam with kerosene. I looked out and the dam was burning. This was after I had told them to leave a sign alone. Later on, those same kids were present when an old building burnt down in the town. Seems their mother was holding some sort of class in the building and they got some matches and had their kind of fun.
I hated it. And then I said to myself, when I get back to America, I will be happy. That worked. Driving over the Confederation Bridge for the LAST time was pure heaven for me. And my happiness lasted about a year, until I got my oil “budget’ of $480 a month and squealed in pain. I didn’t have $480 a month I wanted to spend on oil.
Then I thought I would be happy if I found a job – I found two and hated both of them. Then I found another one and hated it worse. And then my husband got sick and then ……… happy was nowhere to be seen.
A few years ago, like 54 years ago, I started reading everything I could on spiritual enlightenment, back then there wasn’t as much as there is now. When I was 21 I read Be Here Now by Ram Dass. Yes, that was it. Be Here Now.
Being here now took me flipping forever. I am a natural worrier with good reason. But somehow, in 2014, I got it. I could be here now without worrying about anything that might happen tomorrow or next week or last year or whenever. I was just in the moment.
And surprise! I am happy. I’ve been happy steadily for a long time now. Gone are my desires to get this or that or the other thing to make me happy. I’m happy inside, happy desiring nothing, happy to take what comes and let it come. I’m happy. Someday is now. Not a year down the road, not after I win the lottery, not after I solve the world-confusion’s problems. Happy now.