A Sense of Humor is Required


It’s cold here in Maine. How cold, you ask? How’s about -30 wind chill, I answer. That’s frigging cold. It’s bite your ass kind of cold, take your breath away kind of cold, the kind of cold that makes you very sorry for stray animals and homeless people kind of cold. I hope they have all gone to the homeless shelter because it is brutal out there.

Tomorrow it’s going to be 45 degrees. Okay. So for two days it’s -30 wind chill and the next day it’s 45? Where on earth could this happen? Oh yeah, in Maine, that’s where.

I have a couple of stories to relate, one funny and one so so funny. The first one was when my mailman came to deliver a couple of packages to the back door and asked me where all the water was coming from. I looked and there was a stream bubbling in the yard behind my house. My first thought, because it was dark and it looked way dirty, was that my sewer pipe broke. LOL I panicked and almost jumped off the porch to an uncertain death but a certain broken leg.

Mr. Mailman (I would marry him if he wasn’t at least 30 years younger and already has a girlfriend) said he would go to the house to the left and behind me, the ones who own the backyard, and see if they knew they had water rushing from somewhere.  I told him nobody lives there, it’s a rental and it’s empty. And he said, do you know the owner? I said well I know he lives in Australia. See all this was getting difficult.

He goes to the property and finds out that water is gushing from an outdoor spigot and it has been all day in order to dump that much water. So he walks to the front of the house and gets the property manager’s number off the For Lease sign and calls them. A few minutes later the manager shows up and shuts off the water. How did it get turned on? I don’t think it did, I think a pipe broke. Anyway I am grateful it wasn’t my sewer pipe. Stinky.

That was adventure number one of the Full Moon. Then Thursday happened, the day after payday.

I decided I needed to move the car into the garage to keep the worst cold off it. I did that. Then I decided I needed to move it further in. I went to start it again and it wouldn’t start. I panicked.

After many starting attempts I came inside and called the Subaru dealer. Her only suggestion was to sign up for AAA. Great – that would only be $60. And then who knows how long I’d have to wait to USE the service? So I rejected that and called Union Street Towing as they’d jumped this car before – way back in 2009.

The jumper guy came and couldn’t jump it. He told me that the battery was so dead it wouldn’t take a charge. This was odd because it started fine first thing.

So he tells me they have a battery and someone can come out and put it in. For a mere $113 plus the $45 I had already paid for the jump. So we’re talking $158 down the big you have a problem drain.

It’s Christmas for Christ’s sake. I had earmarks on that money. I had carefully worked out how much to save for a splurge on groceries and the night before I’d bought my son’s Christmas present and maybe purchased a few skeins of yarn for me. Maybe a few, maybe more.

So the guy with the battery comes and I give him the keys. He comes back. He tells me it isn’t the battery. Fear of complete breakdown must have shown in my eyes because then he says he messed with the gear shift and the car wasn’t all the way in Park. Which means the goldarned piece of shit wasn’t going to start no matter how much juice the jumper cables carried.

I must have looked perplexed. I was thinking and you know how hard that is when you’re panicking and old. Anyway, I told him, put the battery in anyway. The one in the car is 8 years old, it’s going to get even colder tonight and what the hell, you’re here, the battery is here and it’s only money. Only money – those will be my famous last words someday. I will die with money on the brain. I can only hope that in my next lifetime I will come back with money in my pockets, trust fund, money out the wazoo and more money than I can spend in a lifetime. So I’m keeping that thought of money in my brain, I am.

So here it is. I went out to move the car in the garage so it will start. It wouldn’t start again. I panic and call for help I didn’t need if only I’d checked the gear shift. I spent $158 I didn’t need to during the month of Christmas because 1) I didn’t get the car in gear and 2) I’m an idiot. I accept that.

Sigh. But it’s pretty funny, isn’t it???????????