Sitting Around


Some days I just sit. I browse the internet, read the blogs I follow, pretend shop. Pretend shopping is serious fun. I put everything I want into my cart and then take it out. I love it – guilt-free shopping.

I also look at vacation packages. If I save from now until I’m 70, I may be able to afford a trip. That’s unless the phone bill doubles again in which case I will have to wait until I’m 80.

Somehow the concept of saving money didn’t hit home when we actually had money. Spend money worked real well, saving did not. We did have enough to buy our home in Canada, but we used a lot of the extra to fix it up. And then we used the profit to buy this house …………. and then the housing market tanked. I liked the bubble better. I made a lot of money out of two bubble houses ……….. I want a bubble back. I don’t care if it pops – just give the damn thing back.

Speaking of bubbles, I wouldn’t feel safe with money in stocks right now. It’s due for a damn large pop and soon. I can just hear people on TV moaning about it already. What goes up …….. and up it has gone since the interest rates are zero provided you can borrow money. You have to be solid gold to borrow any though.

While I sit I contemplate. Where to now? I’m a bit rudderless with DH in the nursing home. It isn’t too far in my brain from him in the nursing home to him in the ground. The steps have gotten shorter. I’ve already contemplated being a widow for the last year. I feel like a widow now anyway. With his dementia, the same man isn’t there any more. He’s changed. I wasn’t part of a couple with him – it was the other one.

So how will I fill my golden years? Surely I must have thought of this when we got married. He was 40 and I was 26. It should have crossed my mind that he might go first. Of course, I planned on smoking myself to death, so who knew?

So relationship wise, there really isn’t any. Whatever I do I’ll do on my own because DS frankly doesn’t want to hang around with Mom any more. That’s cool – he can be annoying. Especially when I fall asleep – he stays up until 1 or 2 and he drops things or bangs out of his room like a gunshot. I will have a heart attack laying in my bed one night just from the noise.

One thing I’m sure about – there will be no repeat performance of this relationship stuff – thanks anyway. I’m very content to be single. I have only one person to yell at. That’s enough.

So just sitting around, thinking about what fun thing to do today – the day before my payday – tomorrow I’ll have lots of ideas.


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