I’m not quite sure what that something is, but I need a plan. I need to learn something, do something, keep moving, get serious about keeping my brain me.
Sometimes I truly feel that my boundaries – my physical boundaries – are being erased. I know that sounds weird. Think of me as a drawing in pencil and someone has come along with the Mars eraser and started taking bits out of my edges.
These bits are being erased by my jobs as wife and mother – keeper of the keys of domestic life, healer, responsible person, caregiver. I don’t want to chuck that career necessarily, I just want something that is only for me wound up into it too.
For the last 36 years I’ve been part of a couple. Not always a happy couple, but a couple. We didn’t have a lot in common but the most important thing we had in common was a need to do things on our own. It was good that both of us had things to do that the other didn’t participate in at all. We had time to ourselves. I think that might be why we both stuck it out. I didn’t impinge on him listening to his stereo for hours and he didn’t come drag me out of the studio to do something he wanted to do. We just did what we wanted.
Now I’m, for all intents and purposes, single. Not truly single, but single in the sense that I am no longer part of a couple. I still have my duties as a wife which have now boiled down to visiting him at the nursing home every couple of days, feeding him while I’m there, talking to him about life at home, keeping him company. He is always happy to see me and I stay with him a couple of hours. He may be watching a movie on the TV in his room and I will knit. It is companionable but it is not like being a couple.
I am younger than DH. In fact 13 years younger. Fourteen years ago today, he retired. He was so glad to get away from the company he worked for I thought he would explode with joy. That company has since gone out of business, something we could see coming years before. It was a press-stamping facility that used to make the bodies of train cars and was then making roofs and bodies for cars. Everything had to run smoothly in production and he was the engineer in charge of process controls. He did a lot of robotic work and a ton of trouble-shooting. He was glad to leave and at 11:30 am on July 7, 2000 he walked out of there for the last time. We began our journey four days later, packing up the rest of our stuff and heading to Canada.
That was an exciting time and the newness of everything kept me busy for long periods. Eventually we came back home, and that was even more exciting.
Now I feel a need to learn something, do something, keep growing. I know I do lots of things like sewing, knitting, etc. I think I need something other than those two things to grow my orbit. I thought about going back to school, but what would I study? I don’t want to go to “work” so a course in something that would put me in a job isn’t on.
I can’t decide. I want to learn Sanskrit. I want to learn design. I wanted to speak French, just in case I do get to go back to France. I want to learn. Simple as that …………….
So off I go on a journey of discovery …….. once I discover which direction that journey will lead me ……….