I have a confession to make. I can stay awake for hours, yes even days. The brain won’t stop. Even though my body is screaming in exhaustion and my eyes feel like the Sahara on a windy day.
I’ve had this lovely “condition” since the day I was born. It didn’t come upon me after childbirth, as a result of stress, or in the middle of a crisis. It’s always been there. Always.
I don’t know if this happens to most insomniacs or any, for that matter. I only know that if I don’t sleep, I get crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
About 20 years ago I had finally had enough. I’d sleep a little and then wake at 3:30 am and get up, smoke a cigarette, think some more, try to get some sleep and then give up. Functioning wasn’t something I could do. My only child had just been diagnosed with the family plague, my mother had lung cancer (not from cigarettes so don’t send me a comment about smoking – she died because of cleaning fluids and I don’t clean) and neither one of them were joys to be around. My husband was pulling his usual ostrich imitation and hiding his head under the sand of work. I went to the doctor.
She gave me Ambien. I was able to sleep. Hurray! For the next 19 years I took that sweet little pill. Only problem was, when DH couldn’t get up the stairs at night, I was so knocked out I didn’t know about it. So I had to make him come to bed when I did, so I could make sure he was safe. He didn’t like it.
As time wore on, I noticed that I was seriously drugged first thing in the morning. Some mornings I couldn’t wake up until noon and that’s when I was standing up and making breakfast at 7. I figured there had to be something else I could do.
My now doctor suggested I try to break up the sleeping pills and take Melatonin or some other non-addictive sleep aid. I had Sound Sleep from Banyan Botanicals. They worked! Until the poor little bottle ran out and I had to order more.
I went back on the Ambien. Then I found some Melatonin at the drugstore. Whoopee. One didn’t work so well. I woke up at the slightest sound. I took two. Yes. That works. Since DH lives in the nursing home, I don’t have to be alert 24/7. If I can’t wake up in the middle of the night, its okay. There aren’t any life or death emergencies living here now.
So when I’m given a prompt about what I do to procrastinate going to sleep? Holy shit. I don’t. I love sleep. I want sleep to love me back, lull me in her arms and tuck me in. So no procrastination around here ……. bring it on.