Wherein I Change Appearance

I’ve been told I get to be a “famous” celebrity for a day. Who do I chose? A member of the cast from Duck Dynasty? No. I know, Kim Kardashian? No. How about George Clooney, Sean Penn, Robert Redford, Jane Fonda? No. How about John Kerry, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid? No.

I must warn you that I am not going to change my personality, my values or my knowledge for the benefit of being a celebrity in today’s world. All I’m going to do is put on the suit, the costume, the covering. Inside I will still be me. I will think with my brain, look with my eyes, feel with my heart. I think you’ll get a better celebrity this way. Let’s face it, I’m not the celebrity type. I don’t even know who most of the entertainment celebrities are, don’t know their names. At least not those who are still living.

I chose to be Obama for the day. I’ve sent the poor wee man out to play golf. He’s really good at that and it keeps him happy. I’m going to give him my pack of cigarettes, just to sweeten the deal. He can smoke and golf and not have to worry about a thing.

First thing I do is call Susan Rice over to the Oval Office. Sorry babe, you’re not working out for me so it’s time for you to hit the road. I’ll be happy to give you a reference.

Then I’ll get the rest of the National Security Team together and I’ll let them know they have 4 hours to solve every last problem I’m facing in the world today. Give me options and give me them fast.

I’m going to call in the generals and I’m going to tell them to give me their plan to stop the terrorists in Iraq. Tell me how you would do it, and tell me now. We don’t have time to waste.

And then I’m going to call the IRS and tell them to find those friggin’ emails already and do it yesterday. Get them out in the open because without them, I look like a crook. They think I’m worse than Nixon, for Gawd’s sake.

I’m going to call Eric Holder, and since he’s got so high and mighty, I’m going to give him his walking papers over the phone. Sorry bud, we got to have someone in your job that follows the law, it doesn’t work otherwise.

And then I’m going to call the president of Mexico, remind him of a few home truths, like money we give him, like how they love selling their oil to us and how he has a Marine in a prison down there for no good reason. And how he’d better let him out, today. Without a quibble, or I stop every truck moving across the border for inspections that will last hours for each truck. There won’t be anything leaving Mexico except dirt. And the borders are shut down, too.

And all those kids stuck in cells in Texas? Well I’m going to call the immigration department head and I’m going to tell him that we’re not letting them go for 90 days while we get around to having immigration hearings. Instead, we’re going to charter planes and not fly them to Arizona, but back to where they’re coming from. We can’t afford to take care of 50K children. And I’m going to change that dream act thing, you know the one I signed so I would win the election.

And about that, you know, all the things I did so I would win re-election. Like telling everyone Benghazi was because of a video nobody had ever heard of and the dream act and telling Lerner to stop approving those conservative groups that wanted tax-exempt status and going on the air saying that Romney was a job-killer because he ran an investment company? Well I’m going to come clean. I’m going to have a news conference and tell the American people that I did these things just to win the election. I won’t be ashamed see, because the covering is, after all, from Chicago and man that’s how we do things there. No. I’m just going to let everyone know, that since they’ve caught on already, they’re right.

And then I’m going to sign an executive order eliminating Obamacare. After all, it’s pretty messy. Look at the VA! How can we ever run healthcare for the whole country when the vets are dying because they can’t see a doctor? And then I have to call the families of the vets who died and apologize. I should have been paying attention, but it’s so hard when I have to raise money all the time, play golf and have time with the family. It’s just too hard.

My last two acts of the day are tough ones. I’m going to call Joe over and thank him for his service. I’m going to put his resignation under his nose and stand there with my big stick until he signs it.

And then I’ll sign mine.



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