I say to myself, don’t let it start, don’t get caught up in the racing thoughts of “this is worthless”, “there is no point”, “there is no need to try this”. My spirit grumbles and flops through my days. I am so heavy I feel like I am walking through molasses in January. My feet stick to the ground, my gut is fighting with my whole body, I can’t move. It is always ever some mundane issue in my life that makes me question the Cosmic Consciousness. The Cosmic Consciousness does not question me. Depression is a habit. Depression drops down on me like a dark gray cloud and spews up out of my self as an even darker gray cloud. I walk around looking spent, peaked and fearful. I can’t sleep or I sleep too much. I can’t meditate or do any of the other things that bring me joy. I am not centered.
Doctors will tell you depression is merely a chemical imbalance. No, depression is anger turned inward. Whether or not the state of depression changes the chemicals in the brain is immaterial. Depression is a state of mind that refuses to have faith.
As Thich Nhat Hanh explains, you must love your depression, your anger, your emotions as a small baby, as a flower that needs to bloom because only in loving and taking care of that part of you can you release it into joy.
Paramahansa Yogananda said that you can be as unhappy as you want to be and no one but yourself can make you happy. The Cosmic Consciousness, the Energy, God – does not appreciate seeing you depressed. He/She won’t do anything to stop your choice of depression over peace, He/She will just watch you squirm. The Cosmic Consciousness gave you the ability to be joyful and expects you to take it.
Circumstances don’t have to change to lift me out of depression. My center comes back, I just am, I am content to be here now, whatever is here now. It happens. I’m not excited, I’m just noticing the world around me, the trees, the grass, the sunshine, the awful beauty in everything. I hear Sri Lord Krishna’s flute again, I hear his voice. The middle ground is always better. Not depressed, not exuberant or high on life but in the middle, peaceful. Watching time go by in peace without trying to kick, prod, stomp or beat my life into shape. Just letting my life be ……….. letting it be here now. http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/unsafe-containers/