Put It Down

PIA14944_hires

Sometimes I get overwhelmed.  Sometimes I don’t recognize that what I’m experiencing is what I need to experience for my soul growth. Sometimes I don’t want my soul to grow – just sit there and leave me alone. Too much integration or too much separation – one or the other. How to balance all of this?

I have problems with which to deal, as we all do. Right now, it’s my husband and his health. His poor health, dementia, inability to walk and/or speak has been coming on for 4 years. Progressively getting worse, moving down a notch, requiring more and more creative thinking. Getting out of denial which traps me like glue – that I have to reach out and get away from.

It has almost been a year since he moved to the nursing home. He’s asked twice to come home. Thankfully, only twice and I’ve been able to explain to him why he cannot – although he knows why and he too lives in denial.

He was a workaholic. I swear that’s what put him in the shape he’s in, who knows? Our marriage was one of distance —- he worked all the time, 7 days a week – rarely took a day off. I did what I wanted to. I did not like being left at home – I felt ignored. Our son and I made a life for ourselves without his father – because his father wasn’t there. Not just physically not there, but emotionally too. He distanced himself from us. At one point my father told me that I gave my husband hell every time I saw him – maybe that was why he was never around ………. but maybe if he’d been around —– he wouldn’t have caught so much hell. My father was a workaholic too. Do we all marry our fathers? I did get to know Dad much better in the 5 years he lived after Mom died. I got to know him.

My son has had a hard time (and life) with the relationship with his Dad. Dad is cold whereas his son is not. My son has watched his Dad be enthusiastic and chatty with strangers and yet sit unresponsive when he tried to talk to him. And yet his father always stepped in should our son and I start arguing. Heavens. We’re way too much alike when we’re pissed at each other ———– my husband would always side with his son.

And now I have to face the fact that my husband is dying. Slowly. Maybe not as slowly as I think. A couple of months or so ago I noticed that he was losing weight. The nursing home staff said he isn’t eating. I decided to visit during lunch and to feed him. I’ve been doing that for a while now. I hear that he eats breakfast but not much else. He also won’t let the nursing home staff feed him. And I was told the other day that he just wants my attention and so he’ll eat for me. He’ll eat for me because I will scream at him if he doesn’t.

All of this is exhausting. Planning for what I’ll need to do when he dies, making sure we have enough to survive after he’s gone, planning what I’ll do with the house – if I’ll keep it or not — move or not — just exhausting.

I hide from myself all of these worries as much as I can. It does me no good to recognize that – after 22 years of being pretty much ignored – now I’m the most important person to my husband. Why did it take this illness for him to think this?

Even though he’s under the care of the nursing home staff, my job as primary caregiver is still filled. Thankfully I don’t have to be his sole caregiver while trying to keep myself and my son sane at the same time, but I’m still primary. I’m the one they talk to and I’m the only one he’ll listen to.

Sometimes I just have to put it down. It’s way too much to carry ……….

Advertisements

11 Comments Add yours

  1. Rachael says:

    I did – I know you didn’t. You found Mr. Right ……. I haven’t …… I’m not sure there is a Mr. Right for me ………. if there is, he’s a long time coming.

    Like

  2. We don’t all marry our fathers, believe me. Not a chance.

    Like

  3. Rachael says:

    Reblogged this on A Little Fluff and commented:

    I’m getting more and more comfortable with this. More able to cope, to let it ride, to just let it be.

    Like

  4. Jennifer says:

    I was raised (by a very unhappy woman) who taught me that my father was king of the castle. My husband, who is only 9 years younger than my mother has the same generational outlook. He earned the money, I did everything else. If he ever had the ability to be emotionally supportive – I never saw it. But then again – I didn’t see it at home or in any other relationship I had. Hmm. A big part of this is the generational mindset (and even now) when mothers don’t work and take care of the children. But who can do that now? I had to work for many years after my son was born …….. and I kept working and bringing in money while working around his schedule ……… at any rate I can be compassionate today with DH and try not to feel so manipulated!

    Like

  5. Denise says:

    I think you are right – my husband was more caring than most, but as you point out, that is not saying much. I think that society has taught men that their identity and worth is wrapped up in what they achieve and what they are. Therefore in a relationship they are most often not expecting to be the one making the compromise or doing the caring. From being self-centred, as children, women often find that they do need to make a compromise. It’s a completely different viewpoint for each role.

    Like

  6. Jennifer says:

    I know that I should drop the past. I have finally com e to the conclusion that he will eat if he wants to eat. I seem to be finding a way to “fix” things I cannot fix. I can tell you for sure, men would never take care of us the way they expect us to take care of them. At least that’s what I see – everywhere I look! i think a sensitive, non-self centered male is impossible to find.

    Like

  7. Denise says:

    I haven’t read anything that you’ve written about the background to your marriage before.

    These are always complex emotions. When my husband got ill, I remember thinking, would he have looked after me like I looked after him? Partly it was my fault. When he had a five day walking holiday pre-booked with friends two days after I gave birth I said “You must go. Don’t worry about me.” But a few weeks later when I felt unwell, sore and feverish with a blocked milk duct, he said, “Why do you want to eat dinner in bed? I want you to come downstairs and be with me.”

    It’s hard to think straight in those circumstances. I was pretty stressed. Looking back, I’d say I should have taken things a bit easier and maybe forgotten about some of the past. But it’s easy to say that afterwards.

    Like

  8. Jennifer says:

    I know – I get out of the moment quickly.

    Like

  9. yeseventhistoowillpass says:

    My friend, think of your situation this way… Right now it is this way.. Right now he is one the edge of being here and then one day he won’t.. He worked because he thought what he did was right.. Live in the moment.. Not looking ahead or back… The shoulda woulda coulda’s only make one unhappy.

    Like

  10. Jennifer says:

    That’s it —— somehow I always thought life would be easy ……..

    Like

  11. One foot in front of the other. It’s the only way I know to get through anything. Just keep walking.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s