No. Frankly I think I’ll give that crap a rest for a long, long time. Don’t get me wrong, if you find anesthetizing yourself to reality daily a help, go for it. Me, I need to live in the cold, harsh crap of reality all the time. I can’t afford the luxury of believing things will get better. They will not.
Case in point. I’m sitting here yesterday afternoon, minding my own business, while the repair men from my oil company are cleaning my boiler. I thought it would be a good idea since it hasn’t been cleaned for at least two years. My mind is vague on when it was cleaned – so much has happened in the last three years – like who gives a shit when the furnace was cleaned? And then BOOM – I get a call from the credit department of the same oil company. I have been paying them $486 a month, every month except for October when I paid $500. And of course I paid $360 a month last year. Anyway – she informs me that I’ve practically used all the oil I’m going to get based on my measly payment of $486.
Huh I said? She went on to let me know that my usage is high. Hmm. Well I run the damn furnace once a day and it runs at night when it’s below zero – which it has been a lot this year. She proceeds to tell me that what I’m paying now will basically pay for what oil I’ve had so far until June. I have a half of a tank of oil. We will not make it on one-half a tank of oil until April. Or whenever we can quit running the heat.
She tells me that I would need to increase my “budget” payment to either $884 or $1032 depending on when I start paying more. Let me tell you folks, I don’t have that kind of money. I’m lucky if I have $45 at the end of the month.
I went and got the wine, after I politely told her I would want to stop delivery of any more oil and I would see what I could do. I drank as much as I could. It was really bad wine. It’d been in the fridge forever. I knitted a bit. Not a lot. I thought about the problems I face. My son and I talked about what we could do. We don’t want to live without hot water or heat. Oddly enough we like to be minimally warm. We didn’t spend a lot of money at Christmas, since we don’t have any. We watch what we spend everywhere. We live the poverty-stricken life we have been used to for the last 14 years.
Last night, I was left with the thought that I have half a tank of oil and in order to buy more oil I would need to pay cash for it. That means for, say 150 gallons of oil I would have to pay $584.55 cash plus the 486 I’m paying now.
I’m seriously pissed. I have lots of places to pay money to but hardly anything to pay them with. We don’t have any riotous fun or mad shopping sprees or any other kind of shopping sprees. My husband’s retirement income is budgeted down to the dime. I will have more in March due to my retirement, but I was hoping to get ahead, not behind. It isn’t going to happen.
At some point I think I will seriously lose it. I have a husband in the nursing home and who knows how long he’ll survive? I have to plan for savings so that when he dies, I have a month or two of income until I start receiving widow’s benefits. I cannot go to work for a couple of reasons. One is I’m going to get social security. Okay they only let you earn so much before they start pulling part of the check. Second I’m 62 and no one wants to hire me. Third I’m too pissed to spend any time working. Who could concentrate?
Today I called her back. It dawned on me that hey lady if you cut off my oil why should I pay the $486? Of course they’d lock the propane tank and I wouldn’t be able to cook on top of the stove or dry clothes, but shit, I can live without that. I have a microwave and an electric oven. I could get an electric teakettle. Anyway, I had her figure out how much more I would have to pay for only 100 gallons a month of oil for the next four months. Wow. It’s $716. Not good. But better than $1032 or $884.
My son and I talked about the budget. We can almost do this. I think I’ll get a bit back in a tax refund. Then the social security benefits for me start in March. It isn’t joyful and it doesn’t make life any easier. But it is what it is.
When I think how many years I’ve wasted actually believing in “God.” Well I think I can save that time now. No need to think there’s ever going to be anything different. No need to visualize “abundance” whatever the hell that is. No need to “stay in the moment” or be “mindful”. Just deal with the crap that smacks you in the face daily. Until death comes and at least releases me from the ever constant need to find money I don’t have. Should I die and actually find out there is a God (wouldn’t count on it) there won’t be for long. Cause I will personally strangle the fucker.