For someone who prides herself (there’s a clue) on living a soul-centered life, I’ve spent a lot of time over the last two weeks panicking. Really panicking.
I need a major breakthrough of some sort – a sureness within myself that everything will eventually be okay. Usually I can meditate my way into this mindset, but lately? No. I’ve stayed in the panic mode so long I can’t find my way.
Of course I’m grieving. I had been fooling myself into thinking that my husband is still “there” because his physical body is still alive. But less and less of the man I knew emotionally is there. He comes and goes. He still recognizes me, but soon I know even that will go. At least I assume it will. And that realization is really frightening.
And of course my finances are in horrible shape. And this is my biggest problem – always. I tended to bury this and ignore the bills because I could only handle taking care of my husband, not drowning in bills too. And never having enough money leads to never having enough money I find. I aim to get a hold of my finances and straighten them out and live way below my means, but my means are so small there’s really no way to live under them in my current circumstances. So I toss and turn trying to find a way to increase our income and pay all the bills and keep all the utilities going and the mortgage paid. It is hard. That’s an understatement.
The last week or so has really awoken me to the need to be positive. It seems the further I slump into gloom, the more gloom I get. Which is also a clue. But we do have to eat and this month that’s been more of a concept than a reality. From now on, bills take second priority to food. Because there isn’t anyone out there willing to feed us. We have to feed ourselves.
I need a spiritual shakeup. Like my soul taking me by the throat and screaming bloody murder at me so I can get back to a place where I can cope. I don’t know why all of a sudden, after going through the caregiver stages and now being relieved of that duty, I would feel so terribly helpless and hopeless.
The only thing I know how to do is to meditate my way out of this hole. And to not dig myself deeper and deeper into it. To polish the survival skills I’ve had to have over the last few years and put them to work so I can survive, not just my husband can survive.
I’ve been looking for regular work that will keep me employed every week in the year and I’ve had no luck. Some applications I’ve filled out haven’t even been reviewed I’m sure. Others have rejected me, not because I’m not qualified, but more from the fact that they have 3000 people applying for the one job. So getting one is like playing the lottery – and I think I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning than getting a job. Which doesn’t help the self-esteem.
For the last two weeks I’ve been putting one foot in front of the other almost in a dream, although I call it a nightmare. It is disheartening to try to live without hope and I will not do this one moment longer.
Today I came to a realization that this too will pass, because it has to. I am one of many heads of households that can’t see passed the bills and into the future.
But today? Today I’m going to take my own advice and live as if I have everything I need. I’m not going to concentrate on lack or scarcity but on gratitude. Again and again and again. Because I have accomplished a lot – and I have just a little way to go. I’m going to be happy in this moment and not wait for circumstances to tell me to be happy.
And we’ll solve the problems of lack of money and sadness over my husband’s health. We’ll recognize the peace we can jump into at any moment by just being aware in THIS moment. By not creating more problems by focusing on them, but by solving problems by focusing on solutions.