Sometimes I’m not sure whether I’m sticking my head in the sand or just following my spiritual path! Life has been all about challenges this last year – from one medical crisis to the next – from one financial crisis to the next.
I’ve been putting out fires for most of my life it seems. Now I want to live without fires. I totally want to live without fires.
There is only one way I’m ever going to do this. I have to just let go. So what – it’s a mountain? So what? Will it solve itself? Maybe. Do I need to be constantly on the defensive, trying to control everything so that nothing “bad” happens. No. I’m off the defensive line. I’m into the it’s all okay line.
It’s all okay because really it is. If I had a million dollars for every day I spent transfixed in a state of complete anxiety – well I wouldn’t need to worry about money anymore, would I?
It seems I owe everyone. Well, we owe everyone. But then again my husband can’t worry about this because he’s just not capable. And I can’t worry about it any more because it’s going to make me ill. Really ill.
I have a practice I use when trying to control everything finally starts to annoy even me. I visualize a gigantic hand reaching down to me – right in front of my nose – because if it isn’t right in front of my nose I’ll just worry around it – and I see all my problems as a huge boulder – a rock so heavy I can hardly lift it. I put that rock on the hand. Amazing – it turns to a little pink feather and the hand closes around it and moves up out of my sight. Whew. That was close – I almost had the burden of that rock forever.
And forever is what it seems like. Forever trying to heal my husband or at least keep him as stable as possible. Forever trying to pay the bills when I can’t work because I’m taking care of him. And forever trying to make everything lie down and not rise up and bite me the minute I take a break from my job as general manager of the universe.
I tried to climb a couple of mountains today. I am waiting for phone calls back to see if these mountains can turn into hills so I can cope. Or not. In which case I will cope anyway.
A very positive thing happened this afternoon. I called to talk to my husband and let him know I would be there to visit him tomorrow. He was doing something. Since he has practically no ability to speak, it’s hard to figure out what’s going on. He finally was able to tell me “fix” “shade”. Luckily I knew that the shade in his room doesn’t work very well. I asked him if he was trying to open the window and he said yes and I asked him if he was trying to fix the shade and he said yes! Well first I suggested he tell the nurse and they would fix it. This didn’t seem to appeal to him – probably because he’d already told me and that was hard enough – so I told him we could hang up and I’d call the nurse’s station and let them know he needed his shade fixed and his window opened. He was ecstatic! And I was ecstatic that we could communicate without me being in the room and that he was able to get the words out! What a wonderful thing. I was so glad I’d called him so I could pass his message along for him. They would eventually have known, but this way I was able to get him assistance with that pesky shade faster. So there’s the bright spot in my day.
And that’s what life is all about. Bright spots shining in between thunder clouds whenever you least expect them.
So tomorrow I may or may not have fires to put out. I hope there are no fires. But if I need to, I hope I can do the firefighting from a calm, collected and secure place. Because after all, like my friend David told me, “Don’t fight the world, Jen.” Good words – best idea I’ve heard in years.