Impermanence

waveEverything changes. Life is change. Don’t you love it when I talk in clichés? Ah but it is true. Impermanence is the very freedom and bone marrow of life.

To think that the situations of your life in  this unreality will last forever is either depression or idiocy. Sorry. Call a spade a spade here – you know I’m not bashful.

What would you do if everything around was stagnant? What if you never learned another thing in your life or you never met any new people or got a different job? Would you like that? Some of us spend all our energy trying to make things STOP CHANGING FOR GAWD’S SAKE and I’ve been as guilty of this as anyone. I used to hate change.

Take for instance the new black sidebar on my WP post page. ‘Xcuse me – give me back what was there before please. I can’t really remember what it looked like but I do know this is different.

This is a little change. And sometimes little ones are more annoying than big ones. Like when your bank decides you don’t need overdraft protection because you actually use it. Why call it overdraft protection or no return benefit when they’re going to take it away if you actually use it? Do I get this? No.

I must have been conceived on a night when there wasn’t a dime in the house because I haven’t had any since. Or if I’ve had it – I’ve gotten rid of it as quick as I could. Money runs through my fingers like water – and I have a sister (ex-sister) who has moths in her wallet. She’s the original miser. She may have lots of money in CD‘s and shit but honestly if she ever has to spend it the pain will kill her. ‘Bye.

Given those two extremes when you only have two children – I’m not sure how my parents managed this. I always feel life is abundant. I always feel that wow I may be a little broke now but it’s only temporary and things will change. And they do. I don’t worry anymore about which bill is paid when. Hey – I don’t know anybody who actually has money here in Maine – unless you count Stephen King and he gives a ton away to us here in Bangor – but otherwise, no. We don’t have a ton of cash floating in Maine. When the summer plague hits (tourists) there’s some serious cash there. They have boats and “camps” which look like McMansions and they throw some bucks around – but hey that’s only in the summer. The rest of us just live hand to mouth and don’t spend more than we have to on things. Like heating oil. Or gas for the car or food.

My life is undergoing major changes effective today with the move to a memory care unit for my husband. It is well past the time he should have gone. I did put it off and didn’t do anything until my son started bringing to my attention that we were in an awful situation. Awful situations can feel normal. They creep up on you and you say well I have to do this – there’s nobody else – I can do it. And so you do.

Today for the first time in 35 years I have my life back. Jennifer is a person – not someone’s wife and not even someone’s mother although I have done those things non-stop for 35 years. I haven’t taken time to be a professional although I had hopes of that when I was younger. I didn’t pursue my goals either because I didn’t think I could and be a good wife/mother or because I was afraid I would fail. I won’t ever know which one held me back. But I did hold myself back.

No more said the Raven – no more. I still have dreams at the age of 61. Now it doesn’t at all matter if I fail. It only matters that I go with it – that I learn to change with my circumstances and that I become me all over again.

I read somewhere – and I think it was Deepak Chopra who wrote it – that the unknown is the greatest miracle on the earth. I have become entranced with the unknown. I want to know the unknown in every moment. I want to be hang-gliding on the razor’s edge and living my life as deeply as I can. Thoreau said he wanted to suck the marrow out of life to see what it was and if this thing called life was worth having.

I feel tonight as if there was a magical being who came and helped me. With nursing homes booked up for the next 2 years or more and me not having a spare $5K for private care each month or more – well it looked pretty grim. I couldn’t see past a long line of nights with no sleep – days with nothing but watching and working. Laundry piled up – I have so much laundry I haven’t folded it looks like a dry cleaners. The wee laundry fairies have taken the year off ………………

Now I have DH safe. This is a big change. It feels so odd not to be talking to him and asking him questions about how he’s feeling and what he wants. It’s a good odd though because for the last month or more it has been almost impossible. I have found out that being a caregiver is brutal 24/7 work and I don’t care how much you love the person you’re caring for, it is an impossible hurdle for the person doing the caring.

So even this is change. To now not need to be awake in a flash if I hear something odd or to make sure he’s settled before I can go to bed or to make sure every night he has his 6 pairs of pajamas in the bathroom in case he needs to change – these are all changes.

I hope that I embrace this change with as much energy as I embrace everything else ……………. set me a challenge and this Mars child will rise! And like Deepak Chopra also wrote – would you rather be a blade of grass that bends in the wind – or a tree that will fall over? I’ll be grass thanks.

grass

 

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