Awareness and Shadows


Electricity is all around me. Uranus is in Aries conjunct my natal Moon and it has just passed over my natal Jupiter. Of course Uranus is transiting a square to my Sun which has Pluto sitting right on top of it now. Uranus is square my natal Uranus and Pluto is square natal Saturn, Mars and Neptune, Moon and Jupiter and opposite natal Uranus. Big changes are coming.

Uranus is flying around my 7th house right now and is giving some interesting changes to my marriage. You all know my hubby is ill – but you know he’s been better lately. I think the wake up call for me was seeing the inside of a nursing home and all the people with dementia there – he is nowhere near that vegetative state. The worst thing about his illness is his slowed movement. He is not in pain. He can’t remember a lot – but he is here in the moment.

I’m aware right now of not only being electrified but also of being happy. You will think it odd that I have to guard myself when I am happy lest I fly off into a manic state of happiness. It is such a curse to not trust that you are just happy and not going manic. I rely on my son to let me know if I am over the top – since we both have this blessing in our lives – he is a good judge of someone being over the top.

The shadows of what could become problems are there in the background. I just witness them and let them go. I don’t need to concentrate on problems because I know that 1) it won’t change a damn thing and 2) it wastes energy I can put into being aware.

Getting to a state of complete and total awareness has been a long journey. It is within the last year that I have found this. I have been searching and seeking and fussing and stewing about enlightenment for as long as I can remember. It snuck up on me and came without me struggling at all. And I can’t tell you when – whine. I wish there had been a flash of light or something but there wasn’t. I just stepped out of me and saw that I’m there. I’m where I always needed to be – I am in the moment and I am content, peaceful, happy and blessed.

My intuition is also enhanced. I instinctively know how to get back here if by some crises I am thrown out of awareness. I find crises are not the best way to live – jumping from trauma to trauma – problem to problem. I read recently that wherever Chiron is in your natal chart will tell you what was imprinted upon you when you were born. An issue that your parents were struggling with and something you will struggle with until you get passed it. For me that would be money. I think from my very birth my parents had an issue with money. They both lived during the Great Depression and boy it was depressing for sure. My mother never lost her fear of taking charity after she had to go ask the township counselors for a voucher to buy shoes as a little girl. My grandfather was a jerk I think – I can’t remember much about him except that he was scary because he was huge. About 6 feet tall and weighed about 300 lb. He wouldn’t go ask for things for his kids when he had no money and he made them do it. He was controlling and would get upset if Mom said she was moving away. My parents lived next door to my grandparents in a house Dad had built. When Dad got a job miles away in Champaign the commute became too hard. Especially in the winter. So they sold their home and moved to Champaign. Mom said her Dad threatened to kill himself. Nothing manipulative about him at all.

I also have Venus in my second house. According to lore, this means I will have to earn my living but that money will come easily to me. Well I have to say it probably does. I get what I need when I need it. Especially if I don’t spend hours fussing about not having any. It has been a big change over the last 13 years since hubbie retired. What they don’t tell you about retirement planning is that in order to have the same income you had BEFORE retirement you have to save everything and spend not a dime. Hard to do when you have a mortgage, car payments, utility bills, children, etc.

Money flows into my life as soon as I stop worrying about it. Right now I do need to focus on raising some serious cash. I still have a huge oil bill from last year. The good news is I have stuff for auction and an auction house to sell it here in Maine. I have auctions up on Ebay (look for Tresbonloot please and bid as high as you want) for quilts I’ve made – one that’s been published – and for textile art and miscellaneous. I am convinced that these will sell. I love having an outlet for meditation mandalas. I am also going to apply to a juried site for art. We shall see what happens.

So how do you get into awareness and stay there? By not paying attention to the tape in your mind telling you that worrying is positive. It is not. Worry is about as positive as guilt – neither one of them make any difference in your life at all. They just eat up time – linear and non-linear – that you could be spending in awareness. I rid myself of problems with a visualization:

Close your eyes. Visualize your problem that you cannot keep worrying about. Now see a hand out in front of you. Place this problem in that hand. Visualize the problem turning into a feather as you drop it into the hand. See the hand closing around the feather and moving out of your vision. You have just turned your problem over to God.

Another visualization – sometimes I just need comforting. I will visualize a man on a throne – sorry I’m not visualizing a woman but it is a man. He is extremely handsome. He is wearing a robe and has short hair and a crown. I am about 5 years old. I go up to him and he picks me up and puts me on his lap. I just lean back and sigh. I am at home. He is so sweet.

And yet another – I usually do this in meditation before or after. I say to myself – this room is in me. Then this house is in me. Then this city is in me – this world is in me – this Universe is in me. I see the Universe spread out around me and it is mine. Everything in the Universe is mine because I am a child of God. I am a beloved daughter of the Cosmic Consciousness.

It is important to not lose awareness – but you will as will I. When that happens step back in your mind and become the Witness. Let the thoughts and worries arise and leave your mind. Accept them and love them. See them as a movie screen constantly changing. Find the Witness and you will be back into awareness. Namaste.




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