Sankalpa Sankalpa Sankalpa

Wow I need to control money better. Expenses have so gotten out of hand. I dislike money so much. When I get it it scares me and I get rid of it as quickly as I can.

Paying all the bills is impossible right now. I only work part-time temporary from July to February – if that long. I don’t qualify for unemployment because our employer makes sure we don’t have enough hours in to get unemployment.

For a great deal of the year I have no income. I will qualify for social security in January. I won’t get much because I’ve not worked outside the home much – just enough to qualify. If I worked full-time from now until age 66 I might get $850 a month on my own record. Wow that would be exciting ……………..

Money was always an issue at my growing-up home. We didn’t have any. Dad worked all night and all day. Now I know – just as DH did – that Dad did this to be away from the home and mother more than because we needed the money. You can tolerate anything for an hour a day. Any more than that and no – it’s not tolerable.

I can remember Dad taking me to buy new shoes because I was going to be inducted into the honor society and my shoes were worn out. I know Mom worried the check would bounce. Well she should live here now.

Overdrafts are horrible. They eat up so much money. I am now on austerity measures. I have been maniacally spending because I’m so depressed. I think if I buy something, I’ll feel better. No. Now I just feel guilty. So I’m on bread and water. I can’t seem to get caught up and if I can’t go to work in July it will be worse. I hope I can.

Now I just need to convince everyone that Dad going to the nursing home is best for him as well as us. It is surely best for me because I will have to be hospitalized if I don’t get some rest.

I’m driveling. I can’t seem to stop. Next stop depression. I can feel it inching up and I figure by about the 7th of June it will be here. Then life gets really interesting.

I have two large laundry baskets full of laundry to fold. I don’t want to do it. I’ve just left it. I will do it someday.

Tomorrow I hope to have time to meditate. The assessment person was here during meditation hour today so I didn’t get my usual battery recharge. Tomorrow I will fit it in as best I can. Maybe even early. It has to happen.

And I can do my Sankalpa again. Not that I don’t repeat it every day and at least once an hour. It is a strong resolve. It will happen – who knows how long it will take? I want it to happen but I can wait.

Being pretty much alone now is tough. I miss my friends that I don’t have time to be with any more. And I miss talking to strangers – the customers at work. I miss dressing up and getting out of the house. I miss being able to pay the bills. I miss lots of things and people.

Ah I think I’ll go to bed – knock myself out and start again tomorrow. I hope the mountain isn’t quite as high tomorrow – it’s such a bitch when you get kicked down it ……………..


One Comment Add yours

  1. Rachael says:

    Reblogged this on A Little Fluff and commented:

    Thank God I don’t feel like this any longer. Thank God for the nursing home, the space and my life back, without sadness.


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