Some positive stuff has been happening the last two days. We closed on the mini-split heat pump loan so we can get the heat pump/air conditioner to help with energy costs.
The visitors from our home healthcare group have started arriving. This morning Crystal came to help with the bathing and at 2:00 the social worker comes regarding facility placement and at 4:00 we gave an occupational therapist coming. This is so nice after 3 years of being on my own with all of this – I am ecstatic. I will be even more ecstatic when the move to the nursing home comes.
I don’t want to sound unfeeling and I know how most people feel about nursing homes. If things were different I would feel the same way. There’s just too much wrong with him now for me to cope with alone. He can’t go to the bathroom on his own, he’s having a lot of trouble eating and he coughs all the time – eating or not. He can’t walk without his walker and we have a two-story home with the bathroom either upstairs or in the basement. He sits and sleeps in his chair at the table all day long.
Last night he wandered. I’m waiting for the night he takes off and goes outside. The only saving grace now is the inhibition of movement or he would have been outside at night before now.
He is angry. Not as angry as he used to be due to the frontal lobe degeneration – but he gets angry if I try to help him shave or clean up. He gives me hateful looks – which I totally get because he’s always given me the evil eye. This is all too much for me now and I’m looking forward to a time when I just have me to worry about. What a wonderful thought that is.
If the state assessment doesn’t recommend nursing home placement I will scream. Well no I guess I’ll just keep living like this. Which means I will scream or go nuts or something. With an illness like cancer or heart trouble, etc. there is either improvement or a time-frame for death. With this illness he won’t live long but they have no clue as to how long he can survive. He will need a feeding tube shortly because he can’t swallow. Somehow I would rather be dead than having a feeding tube keep me alive. I don’t know about him though. He will have to make that decision.
Several doctors have told me to get guardianship/conservatorship over him. Well I’m not going to. I want him to make the decisions about his care as far as he can. It is not my place. Ours has never been that kind of relationship. I will not make decisions for him that I will have to feel guilt for later. I’m done with guilt.
Meditation will call me early today as I must be done before 2:00 for the social worker. So I will escape upstairs and meditate in a bit to recharge my batteries.
I haven’t had any time in the sewing room since Monday. I started hand sewing the collar on my shirt and then I had to stop to have a fight about taking a shower. Can’t get back in there.
I’ve got three loads of wash to do and I’ve done the dishes – fixed his breakfast and he’s asleep. Guess I’ll go finish the laundry …………