It’s truly amazing to me how little things do not bother me anymore. By little things I mean overdrawing my bank account, getting a nasty past due bill in the mail, seeing something I can’t afford but still want, not being able to jump and pay all the bills at one time.
Typically these things would send me over the edge. When I lived on PEI I would sit all day in the kitchen crying about my life – having no money, no friends, no outlet for the immense despair I felt the whole time I lived there.
I found out in 2005 by having a reading from a Jyotish astrologer that my Pluto line ran directly through PEI. Pluto is the big bad nasty aspect that brings all evil, garbage and despair to light. It does this so it can be cleaned out – if you can’t see it – you can’t change it.
Pluto has been doing a number on us for a number of years. If memory serves me right since 1987. She’s almost directly conjunct my sun now and whoops my personality is getting reamed. There’s a lot about my personality that I wouldn’t mind reaming – like my tendency to fight – never flee – and my initial panic.
Being a Sag/Capricorn (depending on whether you following Jyotish or western astrology) I have a tendency to base every decision on security. I will do anything to try to stay in control and keep bad things from happening. Of course you can’t do this – so for most of my 61 years I have been shadow boxing. Thank God I’ve woken up. I am truly sick of worrying about money and I refuse to do it anymore. Worrying about money doesn’t earn me any at all.
You will see a recurrent theme in my posts. Money. If money isn’t the root of all evil I don’t know what is. Personally I think my Native American ancestors that invented wampum should be dug up and smacked right across the chops. Maybe if they hadn’t done this we would have a society that wasn’t based on green paper. Green in America anyway.
I use shopping as a crutch for whenever I am wallowing in self-pity. I wallow in self-pity a lot it seems. Or my favorite – when I get angry. Once Mom and I went shopping – this was after I was married – and Mom was pissed at something Dad had done. We found a really cute shirt that would fit her and she could use and it was $20. She said “I’m not that mad.” Goodness that was in the 70s. $20 for a shirt wasn’t expensive then. Now it would be $100. But Mom couldn’t bring herself to buy it. Boy I wish she’d given me THAT gene.
Sadly my son is the same way. If he feels sorry for himself – and he truly has reasons for feeling sorry for himself – he will shop. I don’t know if it is to experience the anticipation of getting something or if it is just defiance of the way his life is at the moment.
With DH so ill, both my son and I are definitely feeling sorry for us and for Dad. He just can’t do anything he used to enjoy anymore. He loves his stereo but last year he was reconnecting stuff and shocked himself. The speakers were on so it made a horrendous noise. He hasn’t messed with his stereo since. I hooked up the TV speaker system so he can listen to his music – but he doesn’t even much want to do that. The fun thing for him was tweaking the sound with his components – not just turning on music and listening to it.
The good thing is my calmness in the face of all this madness in our lives right now. I had a call from our doctor today – a lovely lady from India that we all 3 adore. She has set up home healthcare assistance for us and is working on getting DH a wheelchair and also into a nursing home. I’ve asked for the assessment required by MaineCare to get him into a facility and at least we feel like we’re going somewhere. I am setting up an appointment to visit one nursing home that is very pretty on the outside to see if it’s as nice on the inside. There are nice big trees all around and a gazebo and places to sit outside. It will be a great place if we can get him there.
Today I’m sewing. There is dirt a mile thick on my kitchen floor – but it will be there tomorrow, today I can take the day off.